he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
