i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Someone came in the potted fern
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
