my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
