I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
