if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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