i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Randomize
