i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
