My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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