you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Randomize
