somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
