the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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