Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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