if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
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