i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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