dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
