Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
