you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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