I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
