Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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