hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
