And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Randomize
