yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You're a waste of cheezeits
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
