Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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