Apparently you make a good broom.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
