I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
