So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
