The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
