So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
