if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I don't want my vagina anymore.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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