an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
