he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
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