i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
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