she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
The air taste purple.
Randomize
