Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
