ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
