Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Randomize
