She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
