Got a toothbrush?
god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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