i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
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