Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
My liver is preforming stress tests.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
