Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
There's always time for handjobs
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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