I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
