His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
