I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
