you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
