I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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