May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
