I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I supernannyed him into submission
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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