Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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