I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
