Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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