you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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