if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
