You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
