so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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