It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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