Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
